god bless you darling, you need it

SO many things happening right now and I’m just so confused and just so completely fed up.

I’m tired of feeling like the odd one out. The one everyone knows doesn’t belong but doesn’t have the guts to say it. It just… It feels like since these are the last few months till the big day, they should hold importance. At least some. And it just felt like I mattered to people, you know? It felt like, “Hey, I have a purpose!” But then I came back to stupid freaking harsh reality. I feel like I just came upon the pot of gold only to realize that it’s full of maggots. Fun. 

There’s so many things coming at me from all different angles. I mean, shit. First of all, family. I’m going to have a step-brother and a step-sister. And a step-dad. Again. Mother of Pearl. And we’re going to be living in this house and I won’t have my privacy and it won’t be just my mom and I anymore. It’s so hard to figure out if that’s a good thing or not. There are so many positives, and so many overwhelming negatives. I love change. I practically live for change. But will this be something I can handle? Will I be able to adjust, and knowingly put myself into this trap? I don’t know. I just really don’t. What if I don’t like this place? What if I hate my step siblings and fall into lower standards? I can’t have that happen. No way, Jose. 

And I’m still REALLY really upset about today. I’m not going to go into details because this emotional cracker here tears up and such. But, yeah, I’m starting to hate twitter. I was just so incredibly happy before when I felt like I fit in, like I was important. Well, lol, surprise surprise: You don’t fit in and you probably never will. 

THE WATER WORKS ARE ON AND THIS IS PATHETIC UGH

and just how did you do that how were you able to make me smile even though we barely talk and ugh you are just so important and you don’t realize it

forget yesterday

Looking back on my old posts, I notice one common theme: Confusion. I’m pretty sure the one phrase that has been repeated the most would be “I don’t know.” Tempted to type it now to be honest. Life isn’t going so well and I know I could fix it if I tried. But I ruddy just don’t want to. I don’t want to backtrack my steps and apologize for things I didn’t do. Again. Of course, I’m more than willing to apologize for the indecencies I’ve said. I’m accountable for those, and you should he accountable for what you said. Except you aren’t and it’s god damn aggravating. You’re more or less gravitating around me and trying to stuff the blame down my throat. I’m fed up. And I didn’t realize how fed up until today.

Until I experienced the epitome of awkwardness with the one friend I would take a bullet for. Until I saw that as much as you thought you knew a person, you really never knew them at all. It’s just so UGH when life can be both beautifully fragile and brutally strong.

oh well oh well i still hope for the best

I’m just so fed up. I know I shouldn’t be giving my attention towards things like these, but honestly, how can I help it? How can I change myself to become someone you would like to know? I know for starters that I have no idea.. 

It makes me feel like I will never be enough. Like my existence isn’t of any worth to you. Am I your fucking slave? No, I’m not. And I’m fucking excited for when you move.

reverting back to the unwelcome state of mind

It feels like everything is shifting back to the way it used to be. And nothing was good before so….

I don’t know. I’ve trapped myself in this hellhole pretty deep, and it’s my fault I can’t get out. Maybe I’m being overdramatic. Oh well.

Say goodbye to my heart tonight

I don’t know. I allowed myself to feel like I belonged somewhere. And boy, did it feel good. It made my existence purposeful. Like my actions and words could make someone smile. My actions and words were appreciated. I allowed myself to conjure up this wild imagination that I was living in a world where good things happened to me. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know I’ll get hurt when I put myself out there. I know it’ll break my heart, and then eventually just kill me. But I do it anyway. Because isn’t that what life is all about? Living on the verge of the cliff, just about to fall off. But you hold on anyway. You stick to that perfect illusion that everything is okay. And I just don’t know. Do I let myself get sucked into this black hole of insecurity furthermore, or do I rescue myself? Does spur of the moment happiness count? I guess any amount of joy counts so long as it is joy. But I’m just so unsure and fed up of the world. One second I’m all smiles, and the other it feels like pieces of me are missing. And the worst part is that I always bring it out for myself. It’s always my fault. And it’s honestly a bit too scary. 

I won’t let you go

There are way too many things running through my mind right now. I’m overwhelmed, and that’s certainly the worst feeling of them all. I feel like I’m not good enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, just your basic messed in the head teenager.

And at these times, I really wish to go hide and to just simply die. Obviously, someone has felt these emotions before. Obviously, someone has had it worse. That doesn’t mean that what ever I’m going through is just not the same. It depends on the person, and their strength.

Anyway, there are so many things I am angry about that I just don’t know where to start. So I’m just ignoring them all. I’m ignoring the fact that I’m horrible. Ignoring that the world would be better without me. And the worst part is, this is just another day. Just another post that confuses me about myself, and makes me feel like I’m not worth it.

Worthless. 

~~

I’ve got a ton of books to read, starting from How to kill a mockingbird and The FountainHead and holy there are actually so many like

i am overwhelmed yet excited

UGH I WISH I COULD BE YOUR IDEA OF PERFECTION THIS ISN’T FAIR AM I GOING TO BE LONELY ALL MY LIFE OR

WELL THAT’S A LIE BECAUSE I’VE ACTUALLY GOT LOTS OF PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME AND I SHOULD BE GOD DAMN GRATEFUL

DAMN IT ROHMA WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID

giving up’s not easy

I’m not one to write every single day, but today I just felt that I had to. Let’s just say I’ve been hearing some spicy things lately, and I’ve been blown out of my mind. Are you actually capable of that? Are you really someone I never actually knew? Because I thought you were special. I thought you were the best person ever. And now I feel like a fool. Because you didn’t turn out to be quite so special. You’re just like the others. And that’s sad.

The reason my sentences are so choppy is because Perk’s was actually really good, and it completely changed my writing style. As soon as I finish this next book, my writing style is bound to change again.

Anyhow, I’m baffled. I’m so baffled that I’m baffled that I’m now finding it hardly a surprise. Maybe you just suck as a person, or you were actually more insensitive than you let on. Either way, you are most definitely not the same person.

And I find that just so hard to believe. It’s just not possible. That’s not who you are, and I’m certain.

But I have no idea what you are capable of. And it scares me so much.